Why Asbury?

My heart is heavy.

Last night I stepped outside of my box and started a conversation with someone new (to me) and the conversation shifted to her curiosity as to what I wanted to do in college. My two highest interests are creative writing and missions. Right now I'm an 8th-12th English education major. She nodded, but then wanted to know *why* Asbury? I have several reasons, but I made the mistake of mentioning the least important one first, as dealing with KSU yesterday had left me very frustrated. All public college degrees are not created equal. KSU has the misfortune of not receiving as much funding as other schools do and suffers in keeping quality teaching and administrative staff. Although they do offer creative writing, my fear is that I would not learn as much as I would at say, U of L or Asbury or UK, etc. I'm afraid I didn't articulate it very well, but she made a valid point about the difference in costs between public and private. Somehow, I got the sense that I had offended her. I didn't go into my other reasons, but here is my official list, beginning with the most important.

-I am more interested in Biblical learning, going deeper in study. I can't get that at a public school.

-I could go to Southern. But. They have a very long, very detailed list of what's allowed and what isn't (ex. only girls can have piercings, and only one in each ear). Frankly, I think that Paul writes clearly that we do have freedom of choice (for ex. alcohol might be a huge occasion for you to sin, but not for me) and I don't want some guy who doesn't know me telling me how I should live my life because of some rules!

-I could go to Southern. But. I am divorced. It's a huge part of my testimony and not something I can just hide under a rug. I'm not up for opening myself up to attacks from legalists or ignorant but well meant opinions from those who have not experienced it themselves.

-I do want to brush up on the mechanics of writing. I can't do that at Southern, I can at Asbury.

I am worried about the financial commitment at Asbury, but God has shown me in the past six months that it's all His-money, houses, cars, etc. He does take care of me, and if it's within His will for me to go, I'll go. But that isn't entirely why my heart is heavy.

My heart is heavy because even among fellow believers, I didn't feel free to speak plainly. I still felt a need to put my guard up. Why is that? What was I so worried about? That's what's bugging me. This part of me that God is still working on, but is *still* blocking my ability to connect with others.