Theology on Facebook

In addition to being my birthday (well, it was still my bday when I started writing this), it was also day two of x4:12 at Hope. I was unable to get together with my parents for my birthday, and was able to stay for the closing lesson/sermon. I’ve got to be completely honest and say that I’ve been staying extra busy lately and I think that part of the reason is because I’m afraid to hear what God’s been telling me all along. That if I follow His path, I’ll never get anything I want. Sound selfish? Yeah, I thought so, too. Have I tried it my way before and bombed? You betcha. Have I learned from it? You would think so.

So, back to the lesson/sermon. It was about listening to God. Finding out his plan for me by digging deeper in prayer and in His word. I’m actually sorry that I didn’t have my Bible and journal with me; that’s how intense it was. I so wanted to find a quiet place to think and pray, but we had plans to eat after.

When I got home, I sat down to write this. I am a crazy sucker for multi tasking, so I decided to check my Facebook. As God would have it, Dr. York was also online and sent me birthday wishes via Facebook chat. And I had to ask him: How do you know if something is God's will for you and not just something you want?

His response hit the nail right on the head. “Let me put it like this: get your heart into such a state that it has no will of its own. THEN you can hear God's voice. Usually we drown it out with our own desires. But when you get to the place where it doesn't matter, so long as you do what He wants and what glorifies Him, then you can almost always figure things out”.

How awesome is God that he would see fit to align everything up for me like this? It is humbling and wonderful. It is also perfect timing; my visit to Asbury is Friday.

Why Asbury?

My heart is heavy.

Last night I stepped outside of my box and started a conversation with someone new (to me) and the conversation shifted to her curiosity as to what I wanted to do in college. My two highest interests are creative writing and missions. Right now I'm an 8th-12th English education major. She nodded, but then wanted to know *why* Asbury? I have several reasons, but I made the mistake of mentioning the least important one first, as dealing with KSU yesterday had left me very frustrated. All public college degrees are not created equal. KSU has the misfortune of not receiving as much funding as other schools do and suffers in keeping quality teaching and administrative staff. Although they do offer creative writing, my fear is that I would not learn as much as I would at say, U of L or Asbury or UK, etc. I'm afraid I didn't articulate it very well, but she made a valid point about the difference in costs between public and private. Somehow, I got the sense that I had offended her. I didn't go into my other reasons, but here is my official list, beginning with the most important.

-I am more interested in Biblical learning, going deeper in study. I can't get that at a public school.

-I could go to Southern. But. They have a very long, very detailed list of what's allowed and what isn't (ex. only girls can have piercings, and only one in each ear). Frankly, I think that Paul writes clearly that we do have freedom of choice (for ex. alcohol might be a huge occasion for you to sin, but not for me) and I don't want some guy who doesn't know me telling me how I should live my life because of some rules!

-I could go to Southern. But. I am divorced. It's a huge part of my testimony and not something I can just hide under a rug. I'm not up for opening myself up to attacks from legalists or ignorant but well meant opinions from those who have not experienced it themselves.

-I do want to brush up on the mechanics of writing. I can't do that at Southern, I can at Asbury.

I am worried about the financial commitment at Asbury, but God has shown me in the past six months that it's all His-money, houses, cars, etc. He does take care of me, and if it's within His will for me to go, I'll go. But that isn't entirely why my heart is heavy.

My heart is heavy because even among fellow believers, I didn't feel free to speak plainly. I still felt a need to put my guard up. Why is that? What was I so worried about? That's what's bugging me. This part of me that God is still working on, but is *still* blocking my ability to connect with others.

Applied

I have applied (online) to Asbury.

It hurts to breathe, and now I'm trying not to panic/worry.